Macauley Collins

At 3:30 am on 9th July 2022, I woke up shaking from a nightmare that I was arranging my son, Macauley’s funeral, at 5 am there was a knock at the door where a policeman asked if he could ‘come inside’, and then you know….

He kept repeating, ‘Macauley has passed away’ and from that moment on I knew that my world had ended.

Growing up, Macauley loved the outdoors. He would play in all weathers and enjoyed Karate and swimming. He also loved animals and once came home with two ferrets! They had to go and live with Nan a few days later as he was afraid of them biting him.

Macauley was always smiling, a bubbly character who liked to play funny jokes on us to make us all laugh. Macauley didn’t really like school. He would cling to me and say, ‘Don’t leave me, mammy. I need you.’  On one occasion, he locked himself in the bathroom and tried to climb out the window to get to me before I left for work.

Macauley loved to take things apart. He would often play with a screwdriver and take handles off the doors. He once took his brother’s scooter apart. Lewis won’t know until he reads this!

Macauley joined the Air Cadets and became their first aider. At the age of 15, he flew his first glider.  He dreamed of joining the RAF but until then he would often skip school to work with his grandad cleaning windows. 

Macauley loved to go on holiday. He would call us ‘The Three Musketeers’, myself, his grandmother and Macauley as we made lots of nice memories together. We were so close, and even as he got older, we would speak every day.

Macauley had a lurcher dog, called Bud.  He loved his dog and he would take him on the bus to Porthcawl beach.  They were always together. Macauley loved the beach and walking Bud on the mountain.

On 22nd March 2020, Macauley’s son Jacob was born and he absolutely adored him.  The day before he died, we had been planning a day out with Jacob. He was so happy. His last words were ‘I love you, mam, see you tomorrow’.

Macauley died from Aspiration Pneumonia when he was 24 years old. 

Since that day I have had a constant pain in my heart.  I am no longer the same person as I feel like I have died with him.  I feel guilty that he isn’t here, especially as Jacob reaches different milestones, so I talk to Macauley and tell him all about Jacob.  Life feels so lonely and completely empty since he died.

I try to show Jacob that I am happy and jolly, but in reality, grief worsens over time.  Everyone’s grief is different, and I try to keep busy working, but my mind is constantly racing. 

A week after Macauley died, Helen from 2wish called. When she visited, she was incredible. She sat and listened to me, and she said ‘I am here to help you and get you all the help that you need’.  I don’t know what I would have done without her. She arranged counselling, complementary therapy and more recently EMDR.  Every therapy I have received has been a huge help. Being able to offload what is in my mind has been so beneficial as every day is so hard.  I generally sleep better after a session and this is so important.  Helen supported me throughout the police process and at Macauley’s inquest. Without 2wish I wouldn’t have had any support, even though I work for the NHS, no other support existed for me. 

Jacob looks just like Macauley and sadly he has lost both of his parents. We look at photographs and take flowers to the cemetery, and Jacob knows that he isn’t coming back.

At just 5 years old, Jacob has recently completed a Zip Wire to raise money for 2wish in memory of his father. Macauley lives on through Jacob and has his funny and loving ways. He really does get me through every day.