I lost my big sister Tracey suddenly and unexpectedly in 2014; she was 3,000 miles away. My niece rang me in a panic, seconds after ringing emergency services. I was on the phone with her when they arrived and was on the phone when they announced the dreadful news to her. Still in a fog and trying to console my niece over the phone, it was my turn to deliver the news, but to my Mum. That is a moment I can never erase from my memory.
Practical support was not available when we lost Tracey. I remember being sat at my mum’s feet as she sobbed endlessly. I didn’t see how the pain would ever subside. A few years later, my mum joined a parents’ bereavement support group at her church and for the first time, she could speak Tracey’s name through a voice of love and fond memories. For me however, it was 10 years before I’d be comfortable saying my sister’s name. This healing step came completely from the work of 2wish, and how often our bereaved families share the need to say their loved one’s name.
As a bereaved sibling, it’s a unique type of pain. It’s losing the one who was cheeky with you when mum and dad weren’t looking; it’s losing the one who fought for you when everyone else seemed against you. It’s losing the one who was your confidant and yet your biggest annoyance! So many times, memories of Tracey would appear out of nowhere, but I didn’t want to share them with my parents because I didn’t want to set off painful memories for them. It was the same with my big brother, as neither of us ever really mentioned Tracey’s name. To this day, I still carry a sense of shame and guilt for keeping my memories to myself.
Earlier this month, my colleague Laura, another bereaved sibling, and I held and facilitated our first online adult bereaved sibling support session. We created and held a gentle, safe space for siblings like us who needed to speak, to share, or just to listen. For sixty minutes, we gently spoke through the challenges of losing a sibling, and the tenderness that surrounds our feelings. Similarly, we all felt like we needed to be brave for our families, yet mindful of our own loss and grief and wanting to hold space for that grief. The session opened with a quiet check-in, as we each took the time to share about our sibling and where we are in our individual grief journeys. There were moments of, “Yes, I felt the very same way,” opening the door to more sharing of feelings and emotions, and permission to sit quietly in the moment and be still with our emotions. There were smiles delicately woven through tears; there were light words spoken, atop of a heaviness we all felt within ourselves. At the end of the call, we held a check-out and I asked everyone to share something gentle they could do for themselves following the call. Mine was a cup of tea and a slice of toast, others was a bar of chocolate, a soothing bath, and a cuddle with their cat. It was lovely to end the call on a note that reflected self-care and kindness to ourself.
I have been gently processing so many feelings around my sister’s passing, but now I have the hope of growing around my grief alongside others who have lost a brother or a sister. As a group, we decided a monthly online gathering would be helpful to everyone. On the last Thursday of every month, the space will be open and held, for all adult bereaved siblings to come together for an hour of our time. We do hope you can meet us there. Please visit 2wishadultsiblingsupport.eventbrite.co.uk to register each month to join us.
Tina x
